Creating My Own Drama... but why?

I've been grouchy lately.

Not really to others, but deep in my heart and in my head.

I keep trying to talk to someone about this, but it just doesn't seem to go anywhere... And I talk to God about it too - pour my heart out to Him, he already knows my inmost thoughts anyway, but I don't feel like I'm getting anywhere.  I feel like I'm in a pit (that I dug)... it's not even that deep... and I call for help, people come and extend a hand to me and I stand there with my arms folded, not reaching back.  So they give up and then I ask God and He comes, extending His hand to me and I maaaaaybe reach for it for a sec before I cross my arms again...

So, maybe if I write it out, that will help me to see what it is I'm saying...

I weaned Zaya (at 16.5 months) by the end of July.  That means that 1500 calories just disappeared out of my diet that I had become VERY used to ... my appetite matches my new dietary needs, which is great, but the habit of taking huge portions and eating lots of chocolate die HARD. (with a vengeance?)

My mood is actually associated with covetousness, envy, bad body image and a fear of reverting back to bad, old habits.  You may already know I struggled with anorexia in '98-'99 and bulimia for many years before and after that.  Now that I am no longer nursing, I would like to approach fitness with new zeal, especially now that the diastasis recti is much improved (only one finger wide!)... but I am fearful that I will take it too far, because I know where my head is, I hear that same evil voice.  Comparing, Coveting, Lies - I know that I don't see myself rightly.  I don't own a scale because I know I would stand on it 15 times a day and that doesn't help!  I measured myself today with a string and a tape measure and discovered that my measurements are NOT that different than they were before I conceived EVA! My hips are the same, my waist is 1 inch bigger and my bust is the same.  That's without sucking it in, too :P (measuring natural waist, not the bulgy part).  AND I know the bulgy part is my over-stretched ligaments unable to hold in my organs, and my weak abs, hernia and all, and the extra flap of skin I have from all that over-stretching.  Where am I going with this? Do you see what I'm saying? I want to tone up my tummy, but I am scared to start.  It's like a reformed alcoholic promising to just take one drink per night... dangerous.

And then I start to feel like all this fear is just me allowing drama!! I mean, c'mon Self!!  Get over yourSelf!!  You are obviously aware enough of this to be cautious.  Create a plan, share it with the Huz and a friend for accountability and go ahead.   Maybe I'm just scared that I'm stuck with this tummy forever, and if I never try to exercise it away, I can blame that instead of God?  God... why do I get SO big and have such big babies? I am a small girl...       I want to have more babies, if it's Your will ...and I don't want to exercise and tone up and work my butt off (work my belly off?) only to have it get even more stretched out next time.

Bah.

It's just this whirlwind of negativity, which is SO not me.

I feel forlorn, stuck, helpless, hopeless, overly dramatic, pitiful, weak, ugly, fat...

I know the truth.... I know it sets me free... but the lies know how to get me to listen, to linger on them...

Bah.

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***WARNING*** 

****I am about to show you pictures of my belly****  

****You may not want to see this!****

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The day Zaya was born, I had gained 65lbs



taken May 1st, just over a month after Zaya was born
I took these pics so that I'd be able to look back and see
how much my stomach changed over time....



taken May 24th, 2010



taken July 5, 2010


taken today, along with the rest.

 This one and the previous,
I am laying down, for continuity

Admittedly, there is a little improvement, but it's been almost 18months since Zaya was born...

and holding in as much of the blorp as I can



not even trying

Why did I post those? I suppose, to show you that it's not all in my head - my belly horrifies me with good reason, it's frightening! Good birth control for young ladies, eh? Just show 'em my pics! :P


Seriously. What can I do? I can't shrink skin or re-elasticize ligaments... I had great ab muscles before the separation (diastasis recti), but now really struggle with safe exercises. I also have the belly button hernia still...


I don't ask for pity, I don't think that's why I'm posting this. I just want somebody to tell me how to fix this!! Yeah.


Bah.

UPDATE (January 9, 2012):  My attitude is much changed.  I am SO appreciative of the loving comments below - what wonderful friends I have! what a wonderful mama I have!  So... after gaining another 5lbs over the holidays, I have decided to just get over this, and try!  I am drinking a ton of green tea and sipping water all day.  I am working out, different muscle groups on alternating nights, with my huz.  I am focusing on sitting up straight and sucking it in.  I am feeling a lot of pain in my abs! :D I may not shrink stretched out skin, but I'm not going down with out a fight.  I am no longer helpless.